What is Parental Alienation: Signs & How to Stop It

Following separation or divorce, parents become anxious about being similarly being separated from their children and likewise children become anxious about being separated from their parents. This can lead to a breakdown in communication and inevitably something called ‘Parental Alienation’.

Parental alienation is a situation where a child becomes unwilling to spend time with, communicate with, or maintain a relationship with one parent due to the influence of the other parent or ongoing parental conflict. It typically occurs following separation or divorce and can develop when a child is exposed to behaviours that undermine their relationship with the other parent.

Parental alienation can take many forms and often develops gradually over time. While every family situation is different, examples of alienating behaviour may include:

• Refusing to communicate with the other parent about important matters relating to the child, such as education, healthcare, or extracurricular activities.
• Excluding a parent from decisions that affect the child’s welfare and day-to-day life.
• Making it difficult for the child to spend time with the other parent by cancelling arrangements, limiting contact, or creating unnecessary obstacles.
• Speaking negatively about the other parent in front of the child or allowing others to do so.
• Encouraging a child to feel responsible for one parent’s emotions or wellbeing.
• Withholding important information, such as school events, medical appointments, or achievements.
• Undermining the other parent’s role or authority in the child’s life.
• Pressuring a child to choose sides or rewarding loyalty towards one parent over the other.

Over time, these behaviours can weaken the relationship between a child and the targeted parent, making it increasingly difficult to maintain a healthy and meaningful connection. Early recognition of these patterns can help parents address concerns before relationships become further damaged.

Parental alienation is rarely caused by a single event. It often develops over time when conflict, fear, or unresolved emotions influence a child’s relationship with one parent. In some cases, alienating behaviours are intentional, while in others they occur without a parent realising the impact on the child.

Common causes of parental alienation include:

• High-conflict separation or divorce – Ongoing arguments and hostility can place children in the middle of parental disputes and lead them to feel pressured to take sides.
• Fear of losing a child’s affection – A parent may seek reassurance from a child or unintentionally encourage loyalty towards them at the expense of the other parent.
• Unresolved anger or resentment – Negative comments, blame, or criticism can influence how a child views the other parent.
• Coercive or controlling behaviour – One parent may attempt to restrict contact or undermine the child’s relationship with the other parent.
• The influence of new partners – Changes in family dynamics after separation can sometimes reinforce negative perceptions of a parent.
• Pressure from extended family – Grandparents, relatives, or close friends may unintentionally contribute to a child developing negative views through repeated criticism or hostility.

Understanding the factors behind parental alienation is often the first step towards addressing the issue and helping children maintain healthy relationships with both parents wherever it is safe and appropriate to do so.

Parental alienation can affect a child’s emotional wellbeing, confidence, and relationships. Children who feel caught between parents may experience anxiety, confusion, guilt, and low self-esteem, particularly when they feel pressured to choose sides.

Over time, parental alienation can contribute to trust and attachment difficulties, making it harder for children to form healthy relationships. The stress associated with ongoing family conflict may also affect concentration, behaviour, and performance at school.

Long-term exposure to conflict can have a wider impact on mental health and emotional development. Organisations such as Mind highlight the importance of supporting children’s emotional wellbeing when they experience challenging family circumstances.

Many parents set out with the intention of co-parenting. This involves sharing responsibility for their children and sharing information to ensure a continuity of care.  Over time, this can revert to parallel parenting, where parents stop communicating and sharing information. This leads to children being raised in two (often very) different environments.  For example, if parents don’t share information about bedtime routines, children can find they have two different routines in two different homes, which can be very unsettling and disruptive to sleep patterns.  This unsettling existence will then lead to an obvious impact in other areas of a child’s wellbeing, such as health and education.

Whilst many children are resilient and adaptable to change, they ALL require some stability through regular routine and continuity of care.  Children will adapt to living in two homes, in one world, but not two homes in two separate worlds.

Parallel parenting can ultimately lead to parental alienation, with parents becoming frustrated with the effects of lack of communication and blaming each other. This creates a vicious circle, with parents in conflict communicating even less.

If you are worried you are being side-lined in your child’s life or you are already the victim of parental alienation, it’s important to act quickly to minimise the impact on the child.

Unfortunately there is no legislation in the UK recognising parental alienation as a crime or taking steps to deal with it.  This is largely because parental alienation is brought about by poor communication. The courts are powerless to order people to communicate better, it’s almost impossible for the court to enforce such an order and to ensure the communication is healthy and appropriate.  Furthermore, the court process, is structured to ensure parents don’t speak directly to each other, but rather through judges and lawyers.

Family Mediation can help with parental alienation as it is a useful tool in addressing communication issues and providing an opportunity for parents to re-open lines of communication in a safe, controlled, professional environment. It is also a much cost-effective way of resolving disputes rather than going to court (our ‘cost of family mediation v’s going to court‘ article explains all).

It is really important for separated parents to establish a good parenting plan upon separation. The plan will determine who has responsibility for the children and their day to day care. The plan should include a routine detailing how the children share their time with their parents, during term time and school holidays, arrangements for special occasions such as Christmas and Birthdays and taking children on holiday.

Without an effective plan and good communication there is a risk of one parent becoming alienated from the children’s lives. This isn’t emotionally healthy for anyone involved.

If you are experiencing parental alienation and would like our help to improve communication, please contact us directly and one of our expert team of mediators would be happy to help.